Sit and wait. Make and create.

So each throws the other into sharper relief.

After seventeen years, I'm convinced that I can tell the difference.

This is not my challenge to complete.

Mine was the choice between Two, tWo and twO.

If you don't pick up the sticks, my sacrifices will be voided.

Next time, I'll be throwing in the towel.

Been spending all my nights in the past 4 days watching Naruto right from the beginning. :D I'm now at Episode 80. Most of the people I know seem to find it really odd that I watch anime. ._. It's not bad, really.

I've cried twice since I started. Not that anyone of you would know what I'm talking about, but the first time was when Neji Hyuga told his story while battling Naruto in the third round of the Chunin exams. The second was during the episode of the Third Hokage's wake. Hmm. I almost cried when Gaara had extensive flashbacks of his childhood, but was momentarily distracted.

I prefer characters like Sasuke and Kakashi as compared to Naruto (who makes a lot of noise). He often goes on about how he doesn't ever give up (which is true), but I'd be just fine with him continuing to fight without alerting me multiple times to his level of perseverence.

In the last 80 episodes, I've learnt a few things about strength and love. They say that you're never truly strong if you live only for yourself and to extend your existence on this planet. That your true strength only shows when you live to protect someone else.

In other news, I need to find my purpose in life again. I'm this close to losing it.

Your Call - Secondhand Serenade

Waiting for your call, I'm sick, call I'm angry 
call I'm desperate for your voice 
Listening to the song we used to sing 
In the car, do you remember 
Butterfly, Early Summer 
It's playing on repeat, Just like when we would meet
Like when we would meet 

Cause I was born to tell you I love you 
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine 
Stay with me tonight 

Stripped and polished, I am new, I am fresh 
I am feeling so ambitious, you and me, flesh to flesh 
Cause every breath that you will take 
when you are sitting next to me 
will bring life into my deepest hopes, What's your fantasy? 
(What's your, what's your, what's your...)

Cause I was born to tell you I love you 
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine 
Stay with me tonight 

And I'm tired of being all alone, and this solitary moment makes me want to come back home 
x4 
(I know everything you wanted isn't anything you have) 

Cause I was born to tell you I love you 
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine 
Stay with me tonight 

Cause I was born to tell you I love you 
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine 
Stay with me tonight 
(I know everything you wanted isn't anything you have)

---

"Cause I was born to tell you I love you" - What bliss to those who find reason to speak those words, don't you think?

Pure, liquid gold. Smooth as steel, yet sweet as honey or malt. Imagine the white-gold substance,  reflecting light from the morning sun in a silver wrought teaspoon with your name carved on it. Neither the one who administers nor the one who receives can object. No purpose would come with that other than to destroy the perfection of the moment.

---

The Written Report is finally complete. I am especially thankful to Melissa, Avril (and even Theophila) for the assistance they gave, although none of them would ever see this. (: Thank you anyway.

Why does the lamb have a soft spot for the deceiving imp of a wolf in a sheep-skin coat?

It's not like the little creature doesn't see the coarse liar for its true colours. Yet they say, once bitten, twice shy. Perhaps if you're bitten one too many times, you get addicted to the pure, unadulterated sensation of being in pain. Sick, twisted, grotesque, sadistic pleasure.

Can you comprehend that?

Tamer and Hawk

I thought I was so tough,
But gentled at your hands,
Cannot be quick enough
To fly for you and show
That when I go I go
At your commands.

Even in flight above
I am no longer free:
You seeled me with your love,
I am blind to other birds?
The habit of your words
Has hooded me.

As formerly, I wheel
I hover and I twist,
But only want the feel,
In my possessive thought,
Of catcher and of caught
Upon your wrist.

You but half civilize,
Taming me in this way.
Through having only eyes
For you I fear to lose,
I lose to keep, and choose
Tamer as prey.

By Thom(as) Gunn

---

Today has been a relatively good day, even if it was severely drawn out and tense. My grades were okay, I got to enjoy lots of candy and squash was pretty fun. :D Even ISL-mass dancing was not so bad.

I love days like these, where everything seems to go just right. Like I could watch the last leaf as it falls from the tree on the very last day of autumn.

Trying to convince yourself that it doesn't matter?

Chances are, it does.

That's why you're trying so hard in the first place.

Interior monologue. Stream of consciousness in the higher planes of abstract thought. This is whatever you want it to be. Whatever I want it to be.

I constantly question, but it doesn't mean I get all the answers.

I don't know what I'm thinking, I don't know why it matters, why it keeps bugging me, but it matters.

There's always a routine to follow, a goal to achieve. I was so sick of living aimlessly. And then I found a purpose, but now I'm back to being sick of finding my achievements futile. One after another, two by two, three's a crowd, four bottles sitting on the wall, five for fighting. I cannot look through my own eyes and see the same things I wish you saw through yours.

Must be the after-effects of PT.

Those old songs still affect me in the same way.

Nothing's ever going to change that.

I like the songs with no meaning attached to them.

Anything, for perfection.

Once and again.

Forever and never.

Almost anything.

For perfection.

It's been a tremendously good day, and I don't even know where to start. (: Technically, this would be yesterday I'm talking about, since it's already 00 21 and yet another new day has begun.

I love times like these, where I feel as if there's space for breathing, space for thinking, and space for epiphanies which actually matter. It's wonderful to be able to prioritize while playing Squash and come to the realization that nothing is more important to me than love (whether platonic, romantic, familial et cetera). It was such a terribly odd epiphany to have, and probably not the first time I had it. It was however, the very first time I actually found myself considering its gravity. For the first time, "I would give my life in exchange for it." were not just words stringed up to form a cheesy, lousy sentence. I understood that there were some things in life that I was willing to forego, to sacrifice so readily for others.

On a related, but conceptually different note, I'll do my best because I can and because I enjoy doing my best. And this time, no matter the circumstance, my best WILL be good enough. I feel happy hitting that squash ball, and I think that's what's important.

My wireless keyboard screwed up on me. ): Awful thing, really. I'm now using this old, yellowed keyboard that my Mom dug up from the attic; hoovered and wiped extensively. It's noisy and the keys are stiff-ish. Ah well, better than nothing!

PW Days haven't been as bad as I expected. It's been pretty effective. The WR is almost done and we have a very rough semblance-of-an-OP powerpoint. I like PW so much more than intense studying for promotional exams.

Interviewed Colin Seah today. :D The Ministry of Design is located in the middle of nowhere, in Chinatown. The layout is really cool though. All the meeting rooms are black and the working spaces are white. There's only one colourful space, affectionately named Mango, in memory of the gay travel agency (by that name) that used to be on that level. Heh.

School (with a normal timetable) starts tomorrow. I suppose I couldn't be asking for anything better. Wednesdays are lovely days. I have a double free period (albeit alone) after Physics. It just occurred to me that for once, I will have NOTHING to do during that double free period. Ooooh... the feeling of emptiness accompanied by joy is... wonderful. :D

Went swimming again in the morning. :D I don't really like my pool at my aunt's condominium in the morning, especially when there's no one around and the sun is playing hide-and-seek. The deep end of the pool is 2.5m, and the slope downwards is very steep.

Truthfully, when you swim, it really doesn't make a difference since your feet don't touch the ground anyway, but it's just pretty scary when you think about the fact that your feet can't touch the ground with your head above the water. In fact, it's not even 50 cm away from the surface. Of course, paranoia has its part to play, like create invisible water demons. )x

I've decided I shall swim 1000 laps by the end of the year. I'm already addicted to the feeling of being in the swimming pool. (: I just hate what the chlorine does to my hair. It takes 2 washes of shampoo and conditioner to put it back to it's original condition. I think it'll become straw by 12 January 2009 (school re-opening). Oh well. Give and take!

Shall get back to doing my InR. I've progressed from no words, to having typed the headings. Good work, right? I know. Thank you very much! :D I even went so far as to go jogging to procrastinate. ._.

Hoohoo. Today's been a pretty good day. Had Physics SPA in the morning, and I calculated my values wrongly, but managed to correct them and re-plot the correct graph. (: I did panic for a fraction of a second though, and was deliberating between doing as Mr. (Jensen) Ong said before (to just plot the wrong graph but calculate the values anyway) or recalculating. Thank God I decided to do the latter and even more that it turned out well. :D

Headed over to Junction 8 and bought a new pair of goggles. After searching for close to 6 months, I officially declared them "Lost" last night. The new pair looks quite like my old ones - blue, white and transparent.

Swam at Bishan Swimming Complex for about an hour. 25 laps. :D Exercise is good for health! Planning to go on Saturday/Sunday when my brother/sister has tuition at my aunt's condominium. This year's aim is to get fit! I've disallowed myself to buy anymore clothing until I feel I can look good in them. That should be a nice little extra reward for being fit. :D

Wheeee. Time to go do other silly things. Like re-reading my Harry Potter books, or doing something about the very-stagnant PW.