Perhaps there is just one reason to like Chemistry...

Look at the funny compound. :D

(P.S. I think uploading photos on Blogger decreases their quality greatly. ): )

Things I have done during the weekend:

1. All of Chemical Bonding in the Green Booklet
2. All Structured Questions for Gases
3. Half of Hwachong Physics 2008 Prelim Paper
4. All of Physics Definitions and Terms
5. Studied for Physics Definitions Quiz
6. Studied for Chemistry Lecture Test
   
7. Watched approximately 10 episodes of Bleach :D

Things I have left to do:

1. Write my SGC
2. Finish personal statement
3. Other half of Hwachong Physics Prelim Paper
4. Study for AC / DC lecture quiz
5. Write H3 Literature Essay

Sounds good right? More work done than work left. (: Will indulge in a little muggerish smugness here...

Problem? SGC due on Friday. Other half of Hwachong Physics Paper due on Monday. AC / DC lecture quiz on Monday. Supposed to have started on my H3 Essay ages ago. Supposed to start revising for Prelims. Why do I do this to myself? Sometimes I think my brain is independent of my... soul and is a little sado-masochistic.

Focus for the week: Items 1, 2 and 5! More writing, less calculating.





Stupid ant just bit me. AGH!

Ever heard of this one?


Click to enlarge (taken from Wikipedia)

Mazlow's Hierarchy of Needs, in order (bottom to top) of what he perceives to necessitate human life to what we contemplate and consider when we've dealt with all those at the bottom.

I think perhaps I need to parachute myself with the aim to land in the middle of nowhere in order to put things into perspective. I'm not sure exactly what I should be doing now, but I don't think stalking is one of them.

Did you realise that stalk rhymes with balk? I stalk and then I balk? ._.

Things have been "within control" lately, but I think it would be nice to sweep all unnecessary, mentally debilitating thoughts out of my mind. Out of sight, out of mind. Bit difficult, the former. Of course it would help to have a new motivation to go to school.

Maybe at some point in time, our dreams will clash.

Then fuse together like water and wine.

For now, there are other things I have to pray for.

After a whole lot of struggling with my old computer and printer, I've finally managed to print my desired materials out. Installed the printer into my laptop instead, which probably means that at some point of time, everyone in the family will come to me to get their stuff printed. Ah well! Better that than nothing! (:

I think one of the reasons why I will not make (IMHO) a good teacher is because I would not have enough faith in my students. After the chaos of receiving Common Test results and the subsequent degeneration of confidence in the general cohort (I couldn't read a blog without at least one entry talking about how disappointed the writer was with his/her results), I realised that one of the key roles of a teacher is to have more faith in their students than they do themselves. All that encouragement and support one has to provide amongst other duties, and one isn't even paid much for it.

Alright, break over! Shall go back to finishing my Gases revision.

Found this on my (Facebook) homepage 3 minutes ago. Click to enlarge.



For the uninitiated, my brother did one of those bot-quizzes on Facebook.

According to them, I am the most likely (out of all his friends) to have a crush on him. o_O

If I hadn't just spent hours filling up my UCAS account and writing my draft reference (unassuming arrogance is the way to go!), I'd tell you to kill me now.

The following post will be a contemplation of my current state of affairs. Seeing as how I'm not anguished, tormented or utterly demoralized right now, I think it needn't be taken with the usual pinch of salt.

To State My Claim
I feel as if I've been cheated by the system; that I've been grown and honed to work for it, and yet find myself receiving little gains from it (or less than I would like). After going though all that, I realise that I don't know who I am anymore.

To Justify My Self
It's getting increasingly difficult for me to separate myself from my academics. Perhaps at one point of time in my life, when I was given the opportunity to express myself, I would jump at the chance, mostly through writing narrative compositions that my teachers praised as "mature". I still do that now, albeit through argumentative and expository essays instead. The fundamental difference is in the nature of the work. It seems almost a joke to say that I used to write because I wanted to write, because I loved to write, to create, to express, to imagine, to extend the mind beyond what was reality. Ruby pendants could turn into bears for all it mattered.

Now I write to prove myself. To prove to the Establishment that I can write. That perhaps even though I cannot calculate and cannot apply, at least I can still write. Essentially, I do not write for myself or for my personal enjoyment. The Good Argument, the Prime Example, the Intricate, Flawless Elaboration is what I now seek. Creativity is only an important aspect so much as it enhances my essay. Do I consider that a loss? Or have I merely been trimmed down, polished, so that when the time is right, I will fit into the Government's Larger Design?

To Reflect
The part that strikes me the most in all of this is that I do not feel oppressed. It is only upon deeper reflection that I realise that I have lost an integral part of the first twelve years of my life. For the past 4 years, I have not written a single Commonwealth Essay successfully. I've formed storyboard outlines in my head, but my old muse does not come, she hasn't returned for some time. And yet, for the most part, I am not affected.

Is it not disturbing that what defined me in childhood has been lost - and yet I am not panicking, I am not searching for it half as much as I should? I should be running around the house like a headless chicken right now...

To Define
I can no longer define myself without relating it to my academics. Three years ago, I became the girl that Scored Well in practically all her tests. People called it "Smart". And I have carried this image with me ever since. Now that I have lost it, I do not know where to find myself anymore. The system moulded me into an exam-fearing individual, made me trust in it, made me believe that as long as I rode on its wings, it would bring me somewhere in life. So I let the Establishment define me.

Lost
Now I have lost it. The system has failed me, or perhaps I have failed the system. Things in life are nebulous that way... I can play a bit of the piano, I can bowl, I can play some squash, I can act. On certain days, I am exceptionally belligerent. I have recently taken an interest in the Japanese language and love the rising and falling cadences. I love most animals (especially cats and sheep) and have a generally mutual relationship with the former. Yet my treatment of insects borders on "cruel". I have gone for two Outward Bound camps and one overseas Community Service trip, all of which I learnt so much in that I'm spoilt for choice as to what to talk about. I do not go to Church although I believe in God. I still do not like being the subject in photographs. I am jealous of pretty girls. I have a Mom and a Dad as well as two siblings, one of each gender. I frequently am the victim of mosquito (and more recently) ant bites and usually manage to persuade my sister to soothe my itches by scratching them. I am aware that my dead skin cells stick to her fingers/remain under her fingernails when she does. I crystallised my reasons for wanting to be a lawyer while in the shower.

Right now, I'm still worried that I'm not spending my time right. That I should be working on my Hypothesis Testing tutorial although I do not know who I am. I feel like a machine.





Beep.

Although she does not know my blog address and will not see this, Happy Birthday Bandana! Hope you have a great 18th. :D

Pretty drink, no?

I am lazy to title my posts. And I find that I often want to write about more than one thing, which means not all of the content can be fit into the title of one song. Excuses excuses... (:

Things to do over the weekend:

1. Physics Remedial Worksheet till Qn 8
   
2. Transition Elements Tutorial
3. UK Admissions Personal Statement
4. Finish reading Tess of the D'Urbervilles
5. Start H3 Essay
6. Start Hypothesis Testing tutorial
   
7. Watch Harry Potter with Avril
   
8. Attend Bandana's birthday celebrations
9. Attend scholarships and universities fair
   

Not necessarily to be completed in that order. :D

As far as imperfections go, I sometimes think that the more flawed an individual is, the more perfect they are. Take this with a pinch of salt because I really do not mean that I think a person who is intellectually disinclined, aesthetically disadvantaged and socially inept all at the same time to the highest degree is perfect.

As Thomas Hardy puts it, "And it was the touch of the imperfect upon the would-be perfect that gave the sweetness, because it was that which gave the humanity."

I'm saying it now because the truth in that idea just struck me again.

Tomorrow is Friday. TGIF TGIF TGIF! ♥ This week has been long.

I feel perpetually like a tin bucket nowadays. With a few teensy little holes drilled in the bottom, leaking continuously. All the hope I could muster before the CTs (Shanti can attest to that), I feel it draining away. It scares me, but I don't know how to put a stop to it.

I keep trying to tell myself that it's okay because everyone says it is - that most Science students don't do well for the CTs anyway, and that it's the Prelims that are important. But isn't that what we've been saying since Day 1? That it's not the (first JC1) CTs that matter, but the Promos, that it's not Promos that matter but next year's CTs... How long can I keep telling myself that?

I'm not even indignant about the standard of the papers anymore. There's no space left in me to be indignant. I'm just scared you know? I want to crawl into a tiny little hole and hide there... I want to run till I'm totally out of breath... I want to plug into my favourite Bleach Ending Themes in Full and listen to them over and over again...

The worst thing is, I can't even use the excuse that I didn't study and thus didn't do well. I actually studied. Ha ha.

I keep regretting. It just doesn't STOP. People who know me (that aren't my parents) say I should've done Arts. People who hardly know me say I seem more like an Arts person. What more is there left to say? It just doesn't stop. Is there ever an end to the abyss of regret? Is there? I'm going to spend the next few months having at least 1 physics lesson a day. Does it end there?

The breaking point would be Chemistry. I can do my tutorials, I can do the extra questions, I can do Mrs. Poon's extra worksheets (and I actually took the effort to do them) and yet I still scored absymally. I don't even know what I'm doing this for anymore!

A recent conversation went something like this:
X: "How's life?"
Me: "It's okay, but it kinda sucks as well. Just had mid-year tests. Did quite badly."
X: "Why? Never study ah?"
Me: "... Uh studied la. But still didn't do well lor."
X: "Huh. Why like that?"

Reminds me that in some obscure sphere of life, studying is supposed to = doing well.

I need food want food need food want food need want need want need want neewan neewan neewant!

Fish with banana cake. Fish and banana cake. Fish. And banana cake.

I want to go grab someone and grab someone and grab him and then I don't know what. What do you think? I'm supposed to be an Arian. I'm a lousy, lousy Arian. ): Who wants to be a terrible Arian with me? Or if you want you can smack the awful Arian (oh look, alliteration!) until her face turns all red maybe she'll look prettier than stupid low self-esteem kill me now.

Jolene wants to freeze with bears and me to freeze with penguins. You know penguins and polar bears don't actually live on the same pole?

Then I can go be a shy penguin. Shy bear. Shy penguin. Shy bear cuter leh. Why does Jolene get to be with the bears? Never mind, she'll get Chewed and Eaten. I get to go find that Emperor Penguin from Happy Feet. What's his name again?

They say once bitten, twice shy. Following that line of logic, I'd be at least 64 times shyer than I was born. Again, horrible Arian. That law should not apply to Arians.

I will go read Tess of the D'Urbervilles now. Angel Clare is a pretty name, don't you think?

And that was an insight to what my mind is like on Tuesday nights, when I'm supposed to be doing Other Things. Semi stream of consciousness because sometimes my brain thinks in sentences. ._.

Created this one in about 2 1/2 hours. Mostly it was the fiddling of colors that resulted in my taking such a long time, seeing as how this is a very simple layout. (:

I just got sick of seeing the blue stripes. Eep.

It's almost 1. I should go sleep soon. You do not know how much I detest Internet Explorer. I just had to tweak my codes in order to make the thing look alright over there.

So anyway, this (has been tested) and now works in IE 8, Firefox 3.0.11 and Opera 9.63. :D

Perhaps I should write more odd poetry since this layout seems to be more suited for that then long posts.

There are:

- 2 hours left before I go to sleep
- 8 hours left before I wake up to prepare for school
- 10 hours before the actual new school term starts

I did not do much these holidays that did not involve studying. This is probably the least I've shopped during a mid-year/year-end holiday. And I want a new layout but do not really feel the inspiration coming.

Argh. Oh well. At least I enjoyed the past few days. :D

I am stressed so I will blog. Need to write.

Okay so I called her up today to ask if she could buy me something back because after all I'd heard from him and she'd be back late because she'd be going to Popular to get something or other. She told me text her when I'd decided what I wanted.

So I said because I wasn't really hungry in the first place (period woes), I just wanted chocolate. She texted back saying that chocolate was "heaty" and asked if she could get something from Bread Talk instead. Yeah, I appreciate you trying, but who wants bread when they're having their period and stressed from 2 tests? Chocolate > Bread any time.

And then she comes back with bread from Break Talk for everyone for breakfast tomorrow. You know, this may be (is) selfish, but the reason I asked for chocolate/bread/whatever is really not because I actually want to eat chocolate/bread/whatever but because I want to feel special? You know like when you want to feel like you can be pampered once in awhile when you have two tests (one of which you're half-sure that you're going to fail yet desperately need a C for or else you'll never get your predicted A grade and never get into your desired university) and the other for which you have a third of a section in which you know you can't do as well as you normally would for the subject because of the absolutely fantastic guidance you've been given for the past half year. And the period, don't forget the period, where you had to take 4 panadol pills today for because there is just no way you can take a Chemistry test (which you, again, need at least a C for) in relatively never-ending pain even though it's not good for your liver.

Yeah, so that's why I feel nothing when people buy bread back in bulk - bread no different from the stuff that's usually purchased.

No one know how absolutely terrified I am of being stuck in NUS. I do not want to spend another year in the same country, with the same culture, same sights, and 1/10th of the same people. Especially 1/1oth of the same people, 'cos I know the rest will all be gone. Spend nights mooning over the fact that I just couldn't have done better and gone to a better school. Spend days putting on make-up, dressing up and doing nonsense to travel 2 km on the bus in the same direction as that of my Junior College. Yeah, no one knows how afraid I am of that. How much it makes me want to wrap myself in shrink wrap till there's no more space left and ship myself off to the Bermuda Triangle and disappear off the face of the earth.

A day ago, I couldn't find my direction, didn't know where I had my arrow pointed. Now I've found it and I'm so afraid that I wasn't meant to want to point it there. I found it in the shower, I found out why I want to be a lawyer in the freaking shower. -Haha- So laugh, laugh at me.

I want to tell Mrs. Teai that yes, I did try very hard. That I spent two out of four weeks of the holidays (that's more than the proportion allocated per subject) doing Physics TYS questions until I could hardly breathe. I want to tell her that no matter what grade that I end up getting, that I did try. That I know when to use the Right-Hand-Grip-Rule and what it means when two waves are coherent.

I want to tell Mr. Whitby that I'm going to suck so terribly much for his papers tomorrow because I've had absolutely no time because I gave it all up for Physics. That perhaps I will never end up having time to study for his subject because I keep giving it all up for these tedious Science subjects that I so stupidly picked, which seniors say I will score A for in the "A" Levels despite scoring less than satisfactorily well in the Prelims. I want him to know that the reason I will not score for the subject I like the most is definitely not because he's an awful teacher (not that he needs assurance), but because I prioritise badly.

I made stupid decisions because I didn't listen to myself enough. I knew what I wanted. I just couldn't reach out to grab it. Now I know what I want, and I have steel chains of Physics, Chemistry, Mathematics and Under-achiever holding me back. Could it really, possibly be to late to know what I want?